Some parents are bastards

Conceiving a child and raising it to become a fully-functioning adult is a huge challenge. The fact that untold millions of singles and couples create new lives every year tends to suggest it is a lot easier than it actually is.

Naturally, some parents are better suited to the task than others. They seem able to cope with almost any vexing child situation with calm aplomb. Others lose their cool constantly and you fret for the future of the toddler in their care. And then there are those you believe should be rendered barren to prevent them exerting any further influence on humanity.

And then there’s a peculiar group whose prima facie parenting skills may be fine but whose lack of understanding of the emotional trauma they can inflict on their offspring should consign them to hell for eternity.  I refer to weird names bestowed on babies.

Some are whimsical like Apple, which Coldplay frontman and partner Gwyneth Paltrow gave their daughter. Not so bad because, with uber-famous and wealthy parents, the kid is going to get along fine anyway.

But whimsical can have a dark side, too, with Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, naming their baby Sparrow James Midnight. I think it was a long labour that went into the early hours but who could say?

There are those parents who like to be a bit different and they indulge in fancy spellings of otherwise normal names. So, you get Filip for Phillip; Emilie for Emily and Jazmin for Jasmine. No great harm done there.

There are some downright weird ones, too.  Can you imagine the lifetime of suffering to be borne by a child named Google? Funny for the first few times once they get to school but you could imagine they might want to suicide by age 21.

Names like Drifter, Goodluck and Hurricane would attract a lot of comment but Thunder, Tron, Jedi and Mowgli are a step too far.

You have to wonder what kind of illicit substances were consumed by the parents who chose Neon, Xenon, Turbo, Vice and Mango.

Perhaps they were mild stimulants compared to the narcotic-induced names like Bandit, Notorious, Tibet, Blayde and Dragon.

Then there are a few whose parenting skills just demand they never be allowed to have another child. Who, after all, could possibly name their loved offspring, Burger?

Imagine going through life called Popeye?

But two, in particular, strike me as especially cruel throughout a long life. One is Savior and the other is Casanova. Just think of the circumstances in which their names are going to cause them grief. Truly, some parents are bastards.